With Christmas fast approaching I can’t help but think that this will be our first Christmas without John. This time Last year he had finished his radiation and began his slow painful decline. I don’t think many people could tell. He never complained when in the company of others and always kept a smile on his face. Looking back over the past eight months, the boys and I often talk about how things were beginning to change and even though we never said it out loud we knew this would be our last Christmas with him.
The boys and I will continue to reflect and share moments about their father during this holiday season. We will have moments of sadness, but we will also have happy memories. Like the way he made us laugh. When in his comfort zone, our home, he was spontaneous and humorous. There were countless times I can remember peeing my pants because John had the boys and me laughing so hard I couldn’t control myself. I miss those gut-wrenching laughs. The ones that make your stomach muscles hurt the next day — the ones that take your breath away and yet fill you with so much joy and laughter.
We will miss him being the first one to fall asleep Christmas Eve and the first one to get up Christmas morning and be so quiet as not to wake us. John enjoyed his time in the morning. He enjoyed seeing the boys open their presents and he enjoyed every Christmas fishing Santa I gave him. For him, it represented another year of us — another year of our love.
Tonight as Joey and I sat at a local restaurant eating our dinner we shared memories of his father. I watched him hold back the tears and be strong as he talked about the man who loved him so deeply. Although he was not a perfect (none of us are), he was a great father — words that came from my son. “He was a great dad,” Joey said. A great dad. Joey continued, he was kind, compassionate, understanding and funny. All I could do was sit back and think about what an awesome dad he was.
Proverbs 20:7 tells us the righteous man walks in his integrity and is children are blessed after him. John and many other fathers I know do their best to walk a life with integrity, and all children are blessed because of it.
Tonight my heart goes out to all those I have met through shared circumstances. The fathers lost will be missed with immense sadness and those fathers still living will continue to love their children with great joy. My prayer tonight and through this holiday season is that those missing their loved ones will feel their presence around them, continue to share the memories and learn to laugh and love again.
Luv, Luv,
Julie
