When I began this Christian journey, or let’s say when I actually took notice a transformation was happening, I always imagined that my boys would come along for the ride. After attending eight years of Catholic schooling I let them decide about attending mass. Part of my thinking was; as a teenager I really didn’t want to attend church every Sunday morning and my husband was so burnt out from his years of attending mass, that I wanted to give the all options.
Needless to say, all my boys, even my husband do not attend church. The only times they go is on special occasions and when I make them. I don’t want to make them go. I always ask they go at Easter and Christmas. For the most part they comply.
This year I decided to try something different. Nobody really wanted to go to church with me, they all just wanted to stay home and do their own thing. So I suggested we try something new. Visit a church I have attended in the past. It turned out to be a disaster (at least in my eyes).
We were late, couldn’t find a parking spot, had to go to the 3rd floor, and sat in the back. My husband fell asleep and my kids just sat there and twiddling their fingers. Here I was in the moment, receiving God’s message and next to me was my husband totally asleep, almost snoring. I sat there still taking it in and as soon as it was over we got up and I told them it was ok, we could leave now.
The drive home was quiet. I sat in the passenger seat and looked out the window and thought to myself, “I am on this journey alone.” It kind of saddens me. I really hoped at some point my husband would slowly come around. I have been gentle with my suggestions and I am so grateful for the times we do share our faith together. My journey is different from his and its different from my boys. As much as I want us all to experience faith and the love of our Lord Jesus Christ together, it will not be as I would like it to be. It will be as God wants it to be.
How does God expect me to keep my family intact and be on this journey at the same time? When I am at church, around like minded people I feel alive. Truly alive! I want to run in the direction of God and I feel like my family (the loves of my life) is holding me back. I know that sounds terrible, but it’s how I feel. The closer I feel to God, the further away I feel from my family. I am moving along one path and they are on another and I am afraid one day I will lose sight of them.
I want them both. I need God and my family. Without one I would not have grown to know the other. I don’t want to be on this journey alone. I want the people I would die for to be right there with me. Unfortunately it’s not going to happen that way. I know they love me and will do all they can to support me in their individual ways, but my journey of faith is not theirs, it’s my own.
I pray that with each passing day as my faith and trust in God grows stronger, so does my strength and courage to be the wife and mother God intended me to be. And even though I feel like I am alone on this journey, I truly am surrounded.
Happy Easter Everyone!
Luv, luv,
Julie
