Have you ever had a time in your life where you felt like you have fallen off the bandwagon? A time where everything just seems dull, nothing motivates you, and your energy levels are at an all time low?
Well, that’s me. I feel like I have fallen off of every bandwagon I have ev
er had the privilege of riding on. The fitness bandwagon; I am at an all time high for weight. The motivation bandwagon; I have no motivation for volunteering, school or work. But the bandwagon I noticed the most is my Faith. I have lost the desire to go to church and pray. Not the desire to prayer for others, just the desire to pray for myself.
Addicts develop harmful habits that cause them great strife in their lives. An addict falls off the bandwagon when they reintroduce what is harmful to them. I feel like the addict who has developed the bad habit of ‘blah’. Instead of becoming addicted to the positive habit of church and prayer, I have fallen off onto the path of ‘nothing’.
When it takes everything you have just to get out of bed in the morning, you know you are no longer riding along with the band, but instead you are left on the side of the road. Which leads right into where I am at; I am on the side of the road, watching everyone else pass me by. I don’t like being here! It’s not a good place for me and I know down deep inside, it’s not where I am meant to stay. But it’s where I am at for the time being.
No one ever said, “Getting to where God wants you to be is going to be easy”. If you read the bible you will find many stories of struggle. You will also find many stories of those who have, “fallen of the bandwagon”, but in time, found another wagon and climbed aboard.
Look, I know myself better than anyone. I recognize my depression and it always manifests itself in weight and sleep. I can also tell you, depression is a hard battle to fight. It’s like a whirl pool that sucks you in and sometimes you just have to wait for God to flush you out.
So I pray……………….God, flush out the nothingness in me and put me back on the bandwagon. I am tired of standing on the side of the road. I am tired, hopeless, and afraid. From this view I can only see the good works of others as they pass me by. I no longer have the strength to put one foot in front of the other and I need you to hold my hand and pull me forward. Open my mind and let it soak up the knowledge I once so desired. Grab hold of my heart and pump it full of your love. God give me the courage to exist. God wrap me in “everything” and help me to jump back on your bandwagon.
Luv, luv,
Julie
