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Life is hard enough.  Adding the death of a loved one to the mix just seems impossible.  Why does life have to be so damn hard at times?  Why does a person, for lack of a better term, have to reinvent themselves after someone passes?  I can tell you I was fine with who I was.  Life was good.

I have come to understand death changes you at your core. I once read that losing a parent is like losing your past.  Losing your spouse is like losing your present.  And losing your child is like losing your future.  This really hit home for me.

Losing my parents and my father-in-law has not affected me in the way that losing my husband John has.  As we grow older we expect to lose our elders at some point in time.   Of course, we pray that it is not at a young age.  We pray they are around to witness us getting married and having children.  We want them to become grandparents.  Losing our past just doesn’t seem as hard to take as losing our present and I can imagine even losing my future.

What I do understand is that our soul needs love.  Without love it is almost impossible to move forward.  I was blessed for twenty-three years to experience such love that my cup continually feels full.  I pray that those around me feel how much I love them.  Especially my boys.  I can tell you they have been my rocks.  They continue to support me in whatever I do and the love me just the same.  They are so much their father.

As I begin to try an reinvent myself, I think back to who I was. I was a loving wife who would do anything for her husband.  I miss his voice.  I miss coming home and telling him all about my day.  I miss his smell.  I miss his morning kiss goodbye, but most of all I miss his arms wrapping around me.  I was a person who loved him to the core.  I loved his soul.  I loved that he loved me the way he did.

So remember this, if I appear to be different or new, it is because I am.  I will never be the person I was, but John has given me the foundation to be even better.  He loved me. He believed in me and I know he is watching over me.  With Gods help he is blessing me in ways he never could while he on this earth.  He is with God and together they will continue to fill me up.  They will give me the strength I need to get through this change and I pray, together, they will guide me gracefully along the way.

I ask that you pray for me.  Pray that I continued to fill up my life with love!

Luv, luv,



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