At the age of 12 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Back when there wasn’t much known about how to treat the disease. My mother had a small pea size lump in her breast and they removed her breast entirely. I don’t think breast reconstruction was even an option. She had a prosthesis and we just go used to seeing her boob lying around. As her caretaker, it was normal routine for me to place her boob in her bra. As a teen, it was just the normal. Something we never really talked about. Something that just was.
Over the past 10 years I have either been a part of a nonprofit for cancer research, participated as a volunteer in a fundraiser for someone who has cancer, known a family personally or have had a family member who has had cancer. I have cooked, cleaned, purchased groceries, taken kids to appointments, helped purchase a wig, helped move, basically anything someone needed or thought they needed.
I have always tried my best to be empathetic to someone’s situation or circumstances. I have tried my best not to say the wrong words, although I can tell you I have failed at that miserably. Some of the best things I have learned over the past 10 years is actions speak louder than words. But let me stress, you must navigate your actions carefully.
We all have a tendency to jump right in and tell people how bad we feel for them. I am guilty of it. And one of the most common things people say is, “If there’s anything I can do, just let me know.” This is what I have learned and tried to adopt as much as I possibly can, without over stepping my boundaries (this is hard to navigate because you don’t want to overwhelm a family with your actions) and by no means am I saying I have done it perfectly.
Don’t leave it up to the person going through the difficult time to reach out to you and let you know what it is they need. They are dealing with enough; the emotions alone are overwhelming. Figure out through family members or close friends how you could help. Or pray about it. Ask God what it is you can do for the family. God will lay what is right on your heart and then act on it. Do the action and don’t overstay your welcome. Sometimes a family needs support but they don’t need to entertain you.
Another thing that happens is that people will call you and tell you they have been up all night crying. Or they can’t function or get through their day because they are consumed by grief for you. These feelings run deep and are not to be ignored. Everyone processes bad news in different ways. I have learned it is important to understand the person and/or family is feeling the way you feel a thousand times over; and carrying your grief too can be overwhelming.
Find another family member and or friend you can talk to that knows the family and share with them. This gives you a grieving partner, for lack of a better term, and takes the pressure and overwhelming feeling off the family. It gives them one less person to worry about.
“You got this” or “You are so strong” is another thing I have heard recently and I can tell you I have personally said to my own sister-in-law. I used to tell her I don’t know how she stays so strong through hit all. I now know I was an idiot for saying such things. Even thought my sister-in-law and I are strong people by nature, she was hurting, weak and vulnerable, through her own husband’s fight with cancer. And I can tell you too that I am hurting, weak and vulnerable.
Cards help. Words of encouragement help. Hugs help. Unexpected actions help. Often I will be driving in the Jeep and God will call upon my heart to pull over and do something, call someone, text someone. Sometimes it’s late at night, just to let them know I am thinking of them. Do that, listen to God. His timing is never wrong.
Don’t use another’s situation as an opportunity to gain empathy for yourself. I have seen this so many times. Or use another’s situation as an example of what not to do. This can be hurtful. I can tell you that since John has been a smoker for the past 45 years it is if he deserves to have cancer. No one deserves to have cancer. No one.
Reconnect with yourself and dig deeper. Try to turn the need for empathy around and find ways to help others to take your mind off yourself. Trust me, helping others is healing. God loves when we do good and share with others.
“I know how you feel” is also something that might tend to slip out. My thought on this has always been “you never know the pain that others walk in” so be empathetic to their situation, but don’t claim you know how they feel. Every life situation for every single person is different. God made us uniquely different, therefore the way we react to a situation will be different. Just be patient. Give people room to react and don’t judge them for a reaction you might not understand. God will help them and you work through it. Trust in him.
It is so hard to find the right words to say in times like these. It is by human nature to want to speak out and say how you feel. The worst you could do is say nothing at all. If you fumble over your words or maybe feel like you said the wrong thing, don’t worry about it. Honest feelings are never mistaken when they come from the heart.
Words are great, but action is better. We all tend to want to react right away and then back off and move on. It’s just the progression of life. Life moves on. Remember, those who lost loved ones are still grieving. Reach out. Those who got diagnosed a year ago are still battling, step in. Always listen to when God tugs on your heart and react.
At the age of 12 I didn’t know how to react to my mother having cancer. She was always sick and in the hospital. It was the norm for me. Over the past 22 years I have learned a lot about love, forgiveness and healing. Things taught to me by John’s reactions. It is not surprising he is now teaching me how to react to cancer.
Luv, luv,
Julie
