After a very long and difficult week I can say I have a smile on my face as I begin to share.
It started with a change in client status, the breakdown of our water heater and then an accident my son was in. Oh yeah and lets just throw in a total breakdown in a chuckie cheese parking lot. Somehow in all the mess of the week I had to prepare myself to take my husbands remains to the cemetery. I had decided not long after John’s funeral that I would eventually put him in the ground. But it wasn’t until I returned from Croatia that I made the arrangements. The boys had school and work and would not be going with me. The both seemed to be ok with not going.
I thought I would be ok to go by myself. I thought it wouldn’t be that hard. But I must tell you placing his beautiful wooden rustic box in the vault and officially signing the paperwork to turn him over was much harder than I anticipated. Letting go was hard. This all seemed so final. A beautiful friend of mine had offered to run up to the cemetery and be with me, but I assured her I would be ok.
I was given the comfort cross (one that is offered by gates of heaven to all that are buried there). The symbolism behind it is beautiful to me. Two crosses held together by brown string. One cross is perfect and is to be buried with your loved one. It is a reminder your loved one is safe at home resting in peace with our Lord Jesus Christ. And the other cross has ridges and groves, it represents that we still have a rugged life to live and to remind us to keep our loved one close to our heart and to keep our Lord and Savior even closer.
I walked out to the ground where John would be placed. Between his father and his brother. It was cold and rainy, but not bad enough that I could not tolerate being there. I couldn’t help but notice all the beautiful fall colors all around me. I prayed and asked that God take care of all of us from here. My oldest son had sent me a text and asked if I could talk and told him not right now. I felt peaceful. I stood in silence and felt the mist of rain hit my face. The air felt clean and cool. It felt so easy to breathe. I slowly walked back to my car and sat for a while. In time I eventually drove off. Knowing I would most likely never come here again.
I called Johnny from my car and he was so excited. He proceeded to tell me he had gotten a call back from the job he had interviewed for earlier that day and he got a job offer. This was the first time in many months since Johns passing I heard excitement in his voice.
That night I spend time with a friend from my grief group. We had met for dinner and shared how we were doing and listened from the heart. I walked to my car and remember the rainy mist hitting my face again. Feeling like the air was so easy to breathe. Breathing has been difficult since Johns death. I find myself holding my breath alot. But for some reason breathing seemed easier.
I don’t know if it was total mental exhaustion or what but today, Friday, I cancelled all my appointments and worked, in my pjs, all day from the couch. I got a lot done but knew I had to prepare for tonight’s memorial mass. Both the boys were off work and had agreed to go with me. Which is very unusual because the never ever want to go to church.
We all got dressed and attended the mass. We all were in really good moods. Giggling and being totally inappropriate as if John was there with us. I held the candle and the boys followed behind me. It was a very small gathering. I had told them both to make sure they turned off their phones before entering the sanctuary. Joey was the usual wiggle worm and Johnny was yawing. We all about lost it when in the middle of a reading someone’s phone rang. The same ring tone John had on his phone when someone called. The boys and I held back our giggles and got through mass. It was like he was there with us. Being totally inappropriate during mass.
We got to the car and proceeded to the restaurant to celebrate Johnny’s new job. As we drove down the road “Free Bird” began to play. I am telling you it couldn’t have been more perfect of a song to play. I cranked it up and we all sang as loud as we could.
If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on, now
Cause there’s too many places I’ve got to see
But, if I stayed here with you, girl
Things just couldn’t be the same
Cause I’m as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
And this bird you can not change
And this bird you can not change
Lord knows, I can’t change
Bye, bye, baby, it’s been a sweet love
Though this feeling I can’t change
But please don’t take it so badly
Cause Lord knows I’m to blame
But, if I stayed here with you, girl
Things just couldn’t be the same
Cause I’m as free as a bird now
And this bird you’ll never change
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
And this bird you can not change
And this bird you can not change
Lord knows, I can’t change
Lord help me, I can’t change
Lord, I can’t change
Won’t you fly high, free bird, yeah
Wow! John said he would come back to me as a hummingbird and he has a couple times. But its fall now and I won’t see his God winks until the spring and summer. That saddens me in many ways, but tonight at mass and with all this week’s events I know I am not in control. I never was. Only God is in control and there is freedom in letting God take over. John is as free as a humming bird now and he has set me free, the boys free, us free. Free to live out God’s plan for us.
Luv, luv,
Julie
