Have you ever thought you have been cursed? That someone invoked a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on you? I never thought much about the word “cursed” when I was younger. I thought the things that were happening to me were just supposed to happen to me. Not other kids, just me. I knew my life wasn’t like my friends or other family members. It was just different. I would often have dreams where I would be outside myself looking down. It would be me, in the clouds, looking back seeing things for what they really were. I began to realize the older I got, the things in my life were just not right, but I had no power to correct them. I felt powerless and alone.
Now that I am much older, I often joke about being cursed. It started from the moment I was born. At times I find myself apologizing to my husband for marrying “the curse”. He of course fluffs it off and tells me I am crazy. He tells me, “You have just experienced some bad luck and some terrible circumstances, but you are not cursed.” Every now and then I will catch him saying something about “the curse”. He will ask me if I think someone is praying everything bad happens to us. I remind him, no one is praying for bad things to happen to him. He just married ‘the curse’. Over time I guess a little part of him believes maybe I do have some bad luck.
It doesn’t surprise me when people say, “you have the worse luck”. It’s something you can’t help but notice when you are close enough to me that we talk more than once a week. Bad stuff happens. Not terrible stuff; just inconvenient, bad timing, no money to fix it, kind of things. Sometimes I think it’s what makes people who get close to me turn and run away. People get tired of hearing about bad luck and hard times. Sometimes friends and family feel helpless because they too are struggling with their own chaos and have no way to help out.
I feel powerless when “the curse” is wreaking havoc in my life. Lately it seems like “the curse” has been parked on my lap because I can’t seem to get a break. Even when things seem to be wonderful, “the curse” creeps in with a phone call or a knock at my door. When this happens all I want to do is get away, run and hide. I want to crawl inside myself, shut down and go to sleep. Because when I sleep “the curse” has no power over me and I feel safe.
I know I am not alone. I hear stories all the time of people feeling the same way, especially since the market crash in 2008 and all the unemployment we have seen as a country since. They might describe it as bad luck, rotten timing, or I can’t get a break. But we are all feeling powerless and we are all wishing for better times.
For John and I times have been so rough we took a look at things in our home we thought might have some bad “mojo” attached to it and have thrown them away. I know it sounds silly, but we were willing to try anything. One day John cut out a little article in the community press newspaper under the greetings/announcement section about the Sacred Heart of Jesus prayer. The article tells you to say it 9 times a day for 9 days and by the 8th day your prayers will be answered. We did this, but nothing happened on the 8th or 9th day, so John and I continued to pray it for months, faithfully, every single day. We would call each other on the phone or set a time of day if we were not going to be together. I can tell you our prayers were never answered but it drew us closer together and during that time John told me he would like to read the bible with me. And that was enough for me!
Funny I can’t even remember what our intentions were at the time. I am sure it had something to do with our financial situation, holding onto our home, or feeding our children. Who knows? I do know this; God was with us always. We still have our home (by a thread), our financial situation hasn’t gotten better, but it hasn’t gotten any worse either. Our kids have days without lunch money, but they have learn to adapt and grow more resilient each day. Most of all we are still together. Under one roof, under God!
Do I really believe in “the curse”? If I told you “No”, I would be lying. It’s a feeling that has followed me my entire life; something that even with my faith I just can’t seem to shake. It’s the not feeling worthy. It’s the trying to understand “why bad things happen” and understanding why the people who are closest to me have to experience them too. I would rather take on all the pain and suffering then ever let my family or friends have to experience “the curse”. Probably another reason it is so hard for me to accept help. I don’t want people to get to close to “the curse”.
My husband John reminds me, “Honey, it’s just part of the package.” It is a package I am not sure I would change. Don’t get me wrong, I would love for things to be easier. I would love for our finances to be better, our house to be secure, and food always in our bellies (of course we would be fatter than we already are). But if that were so, in a perfect world, we would be, no “I” would be someone else and I wouldn’t have the package I have now. A family that together we take the good with the bad, the hard times with the easy times, and all the LOVE wrapped around the mess. I also wouldn’t be seeking God the way I am today. I like to think it is God invoking a supernatural power over me to bring LOVE into this world of pain!
Luv, luv,
Julie
