There have been many times I have wanted to sit down and tell you how I am doing but I could never seem to gather my thoughts. Even now it seems hard to put into words what it is I want to say. Most days I am ok. I get up every morning and I move forward. I have too. I try my best not to have to many moments of down time, at least for now. The quietness hurts too much.
This time last year is when John was officially diagnosed. The year before that was when he started back to work after the accident. I feel so robbed of time. Of good time. Seeing older couples always saddens me. It makes me want the years I know they have had.
The first two months after his passing I worked on projects we had indented on completing together. He was so worried in the last months of his life about getting them done, I felt like I needed to complete “the list”. I pretty much completed all of them but a few. The garden box being one of the most important ones I still need to finish. The others can wait until next year.
Completing some of the projects on my own was hard, but its what I needed to do to fill my heart. See my head knows where he is. My head can and did process the entire experience. My heart on the other hand is in protective mode. My heart has not yet processed this experience.
I have moments here and there where my heart opens up and tears begin to fall, but I find myself taking in a full breath as to not let a river flow out of me. The deeper I breath the dryer the river bead becomes.
I am reading books, attending grief groups, doing all the things I should or think I should be doing to help me through the process. My head understands I need to let my river flow, my heart is just not ready for that to happen.
I have more pictures of John and the boys in my house than I ever have, but some how I can’t seem to look at pictures or videos of him. I still have him listed as a favorite in my iphone and “Dad” still appears in my jeep every time I start it up. I can’t seem to delete it. The phone number was deleted months ago, but my heart feels like if I hit delete he will actually be gone. Yet seeing “Dad” every time I get into my jeep or pick up my iphone makes me sad. Grieving and trying to move on is the hardest tug of the heart.
I think what surprises me most is how well people thing I am doing. Everyone always tells me, “You look great”, “You are doing so well”, “Wow you are so strong”. At times it makes me feel taken for granted. Like it is expected of me to be this way. I can tell you thought, I am not doing well, I am heart broken so deeply it hurts to breath. I feel like if I take one more deep breath to hold back the river, I am going to pass out.
I get it though. I do. I have been resilient and strong my entire life. I don’t think anything different of you for thinking these things or saying these words. The truth of it is………………. I know I am strong and resilient. My life experiences have presented me opportunities to step into that. It is part of who I am. It also gives me the courage to share with all of you how I truly feel. And I acknowledge that only God can hold back rivers, not me.
At times I feel lost on a river going now where, but only when the river levels are high. Other times I feel as if I am fighting against the current, trying my best not to flow back down stream. I look forward to the days when the river gently runs through me.
God has a plan for me. I have always felt that so deeply. Right now I need to let my river flow so that I can find my ocean.
Luv luv,
Julie
