There is something that happens to a person when they lose someone they love. They start thinking in numbers. Calculating how long the person has been gone. Numbers play over and over in their mind. After death, the first week is consumed with other people and how they are dealing with your loss. Therefore, the numbers don’t creep in right away. But then slowly over time, a month passes, and you think about the number thirty. And then maybe a holiday pops up, and you think about the number associated with the day. How many days has it been? You never want to let one day go without thinking about those you have lost, but the reality of it is as the numbers/days pass so do the days of thinking about that person.
Then when you least expect it, a number pops into your head. For me today the number is three hundred. That seems like such a big number. Imagine a three hundred pound weight sitting on your chest weighing you down, blocking your capacity to breathe. If grief could be measured in pounds, that is what it would feel like. Breathing through the pain of it all is hard.
I have been on this earth three hundred days without John. I often wonder how I survived. I never stop hurting. And yes the hurting spreads out. I wake up every morning, and I live the best I can, and right now it’s all I can ask of myself.
Soon the number will be Three Hundred and Sixty-Five. One full year John will be gone. It only seems like yesterday he was with us. For now, all I can think about is the three hundred days since I have seen his face, heard his laugh, held him in my arms and kissed him goodbye. For three hundred days I have done the best I can do to live without him. Living without him, something I never thought possible.
I do my best to seek hope in every new day. I do my best to remember how strong John’s love was for me. And most importantly I do my best to remember God’s love is even stronger. I let the tears flow when they need to, I give myself more breaks than I ever have in my life and I don’t expect more then I am willing to give.
I don’t feel like I used to three hundred days ago and I know I never will. I don’t have the same drive and passion I used to. I am hoping with time that will change but then maybe I am destined to find a new drive, a new passion, a new love.
I know the numbers will get larger and the pain will decline. The days will come and go and so will the days where I can’t bear to breathe. Hopefully, in some way, I will have grown because of all I have experienced and the three hundred days weighing heavy on my mind today will give me strength tomorrow. I have to believe my life with John will give me the capacity to love again. John filled my life with so much love, how can it not?
God, you are the only one who can set pain free and lift the weight from the heart of those who are grieving. My prayer is we are born again into a life where our soul is eased with the blessings of your love and those who have loved us!
Luv, luv,
Julie 💙
