I am reading a really good book for a class I am taking this summer during the Spirituality Institute at college called The Other Side of Chaos by Margaret Silf. The book is about transition; letting go of the past, stepping off into the unknown and moving forward in life. Silf talks about being a “Saver” or a “Spender” comparing the Passover in the Old and New Testament. Savers are safe and reserved and according to Silf they are financially secure and physically well preserve. Spenders on the other hand are risk takers and will take you just about anywhere, while sitting on the edge of your seat. (Silf)
There are so many things in the book I can relate too. After losing my job in 2010 I felt completely lost and at times over the past 2 year still wonder if I will find my destination. For me the transition started way before August of 2010. It began in 2009. God was nudging me gently to move on, but I was too scared to step off into the abyss. John had been out of work for a while, so how could I possibly move on?
Through prayer, many mornings sitting in church, and many talks (out loud) in my Tahoe, I would ask God over and over to give me direction. “Tell me God what am I supposed to do?” The situation just kept getting worse and I felt like I was drowning. My mouth so full of water I couldn’t even ask for help. I wasn’t listening to the movement of the Holy Spirit. So what did God do? He pushed me off the rocky boat and then through me a life vest.
Funny, I can imagine God giggling right now as I write this. There have been so many times over the past two years I felt as if I were drowning. So many days I couldn’t climb another mountain, dig myself out of another tunnel, or survive the rough sea. Somehow I always seem to find the ‘thin place’ where God and I would finally meet. A place where I step back, sit down, breath and let the Holy Spirit hover over the chaos in my life. Silf puts it beautifully when she talks about letting ourselves rest in the ocean of God’s love and trusting it will never fail to sustain us.
There is no doubt God has sustain me and my family. I thought my life, as I knew it was over, especially since the last year was so hard. But it’s not over. Yesterday is what continues to mold and shape me into what God has planned for me. Yesterday is preparing me for tomorrow.
I am not sure what tomorrow is going to bring. I am not sure what this year will bring. A lot of people have been asking me lately, when am I going to go back to work full time. When am I going to get a job? For the most part I tell them, when God is ready I guess. I am in no hurry to make wrong decisions and drown out the Holy Spirit. Don’t get me wrong. I am inpatient and I really want to know, what it is that God wants me to do, but I am learning he will show me in time.
For now I am learning to accept the transition in my life. I am still in the ‘Land Between’ (manion). I will continue to be a ‘spender’ and pray I am spending the gift of life God has given us in a way that is worthy of his grace.
Luv, Luv,
Julie
