Have you ever been at a point in your life where you are asking yourself, “What is my purpose now?” I have been lately. I have been struggling with what is next for me.
My life drastically changed in 2018. Until then, I had been caring for someone else my entire life. As a child and into my twenties, it was my mother. From my late twenties, until I turned fifty, it was my husband and boys. I found purpose in that. Even though most of the time, it was challenging taking care of my mother at such a young age, it was something. When I married John and had two boys, I couldn’t have been more thrilled with my life.
I am not saying my husband and I had a perfect life. I am saying it was perfect for me. I loved being his wife, and most of all, I loved being a mother. I didn’t mind the hustle to keep food on the table and a house over our heads. At times, I work two jobs just to do so. I loved raising our kids, having get-togethers with our friends in the backyard, swimming in the pool, and spending time with family. I miss all of that now. Even though, at times, it was a financial struggle, we got through it all together, and we had family.
Five years later, my husband is gone, the family is disconnected, the kids are grown and have lives of their own, and I have a new loving partner. We have no one to care for but each other and support our adult children as they figure out their lives. I have no financial struggles and have a huge passion for travel.
So, I keep asking myself, what is next?
Thirty-five years in Information Technology in some capacity. Fifteen years specializing in website design and email marketing. Two years ago, I became a Holistic Life Coach. In August of 2023, I taught myself workflow automation while healing from major surgery. I began watercolor painting in December of 2023 as a creative outlet. Currently, I am studying Dreams. Something that has fascinated me since I was a child. There is no doubt I love to learn.
I have worked on healing myself. Physically and mentally, I feel like I am in a good place. I have let go of old thought patterns and feelings of unworthiness. I know I am worthy, and I no longer have the need to be accepted. I have let go of people and things that no longer serve me. I never realized how much energy I put into keeping people around. I also purged a lot of physical items (this is something I have always done). I am contemplating purging all my learning buckets right now because nothing seems to be filling me up or landing. Unfortunately, those buckets are what pay the bills and afford my travel. Which leads me back to the question, “What is next?
It’s scary to let go of life experiences that have conditioned you to be comfortable. Struggling, as crazy as this might sound, is comfortable to me. It’s what I know. Surviving is what I know. Filling my day up with tasks is what I do. It makes me feel useful, needed, and purposeful. It’s what my nervous system is used to.
I no longer need to do these things, but I still want purpose. I am very curious as to what is next for me and the best way to get there is one step at a time.
Luv, Luv,
Julie 💛
