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I have spent a lot of my life trying to understand the trials and tribulations I have gone through.  I keep asking myself, “Where is the lesson in what I am going through?”  In time I usually figure it out.   In some cases, I am completely baffled. 

I like to think John and I are good people.  We are not perfect by any means.  We say things and judge when we shouldn’t.  At times we probably take on things when we should not.  We have not always made the best decisions in life, but we own up to our mistakes and we walk through them together.  There is no doubt in my mind, body and soul we are each other’s best friend.

So when I continue to see us struggle while others not so much, I wonder “Where is my teacher?”  Where is the one who is teaching us this lesson?  John and I would love to see you face to face and ask you some questions. 

“Teacher, are we going to struggle forever?  Is this the way it is always going to be?  How much more do you think we can take?  Why are you trying to break us?  Why do you want us to hurt?  Why do you want our kids to suffer?  Why do you want them to see us cry?  Teacher, what lesson are you trying to teach us?  Teacher are you out there, can you hear us?”

I often wonder what John’s life would have been like without me.  Would he be married, have kids and not be struggling?   I often tease him and tell him the moment he married me, he married bad luck.  Growing up he had a great childhood.  He has beautiful memories of the farm and playing pranks in the neighborhood.  He really never had a bad experience.  So it’s kind of hard not to think his luck changed when he married me.

“Teacher, where are you?  Why can’t you help my husband?  Why does he have to be in a crappy job?  Why did you take him away from the job he loved?  Why are you making him work long hours and treating him so poorly?  He is a good man and doesn’t deserve this.”

I like to think there is a master plan.  Bring one really broke individual together with one who has never been broken and together they will teach each other.  I like to think we have done a good job of teaching, supporting and loving each other over the past 17 years, but at some point in every teacher’s life they too had to be taught by a higher power.

I love how John can pretty much just roll with the punches and is extremely patient, but I would have to say his patience and mine are starting to wear thin.  We continue to ask the same questions over and over, “When is it ever going to get better?”  I take it much deeper, much more personal and ask “When is it going to end?  Where is my teacher?”

Luv, luv,



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