I am not sure where to begin explaining my current state and how I have been feeling over the past year. Words like stuck, passionless, and depression. No motivation for life, adventure, styling (clothes, getting my nails and hair done), love, family, or friendship. The word EMPTY sums it all up.
I have been in states of depression before in my life. Some have been very short-lived, but a few have lasted longer than I would have liked.
This past year seems to be the longest state of depression I have ever experienced in my 57 years of life, and I can’t seem to narrow down why. I am sure some of it is age and situation. My body has changed a lot over the past year, and so have I.
At the end of 2023, I made some business decisions and started to put boundaries in place. Although I love that many of my clients consider me a friend, I felt as if I was letting them cross a fine line that was of no benefit to me, but totally a benefit to them. Financially, it was drowning me, and in 2024, the process began.
For me, 2024 ended up being the worst year financially. I hit an all-time low. Ironically, it was one of the best travel years of my life. Seventeen days in Europe. Ten days in Croatia. Amazing memories. I could have stayed longer.
Later in 2024, around October, I lost my best work-from-home friend, Bella. She was the best dog I’ve ever had. And she made working from home enjoyable. She had been through so much loss with me; she was my healer.
Around the same time, my boys announced to me they were moving out on their own. My boys have been living with each other their entire lives. Even after their father passed away, they lived together.
I was so proud of them for taking this next step, this hard next step in life. And in March of 2025, they went their separate ways. I was also sad. Looking at my phone and knowing they are not with one another chokes me up a bit. And let’s face it. They are adults with their own lives. I see them maybe once a month and get texts about once a week.
The winter months without Bella and no work put me in a dark place.
Life was still moving forward. Conversations with my partner in January about getting another dog (I am a dog lover, he is not as much. After Bella passed, he requested we not get a dog until all of our traveling was out of our system.) Clearwater in February. Our kids moving into new homes in March and April, and bringing home Cooper, our red fox Labrador puppy, in late March.
Through it all, the depression is still there.
Part of me thought having another dog would somehow bring me out of depression. It did not. What it did was introduce a new side to our relationship. The “How do you handle discipline?” I think it surprised both of us. We had never experienced this type of energy around each other before.
Having a puppy has been stressful, and I am not handling it as well as my partner is. He is bonding with Cooper in ways I never thought would happen. He loves her, and I can see the relationship growing in the years to come. As for me, my depression is getting in the way.
I love Cooper. I can admit, she is a lot, and I’m not sure it was the best decision for my current state of mind. But she also makes me smile, laugh, and brings me some purpose for what feels like a purposeless life right now.
Life keeps moving forward regardless of your state of mind.
I have experienced depression before, and I always managed to move through it, learn something new about myself and the world around me, and become even more aware of who I am. At times, it has felt like a rebirth of something new.
This time feels different. I have nothing to be depressed about. I am safe, loved, and no longer have to be in “survival mode” (something that gave me purpose – surviving). Everyone around me is good and thriving.
As my life moves forward, I am trying not to be hard on myself. The time will come. Things will get better, and new life will unfold. I guess I am just ready for it to happen sooner rather than later.
I haven’t asked for this in a long time……………..say a little prayer for me that I continue to find my way.
With love,
Julie
